Oneness in Marriage

When I take some time to reflect I often think of my good friends Charles and Ann Towery as examples of one thing or another. When considering "oneness" in marriage I immediately think of a rather strange experience I had with Ann about a year after Charles passed away. We were visiting and having coffee together in her new little house next to the big one out at the "6T Ranch". As we were catching up, laughing, and making observations on various things, I had this strange experience. It was as if Charles were in the room with Ann as we talked. His presence and personality were vivid, like the smell of dinner on the stove or new fire in the fireplace. Now I'm not making a case for ghosts or seances or anything like that- I don't believe in such nonsense. I'm making a case for "oneness".

I honestly believe that over their 50+ years of marriage, Charles and Ann had found a profound type of oneness together. Their personalities had been wonderfully interwoven in a way you seldom see in younger couples and rarely see even in older ones. This wasn't because, as we often see, the one person decreases and the other increases. This wasn't a simple case of dominance or submission. It was a true blending.

Even after Charles had gone, talking with Ann was so much like talking with him. She was such a vivid reminder of Charles. I actually had to fight back the strong urge to ask her, "So how is Charles doing?" It was hard to distinguish where Ann ended and Charles began.

In Genesis we see the first portrait of God's perspective on marriage.

Gen 1:26-27
26
Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."
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So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (NIV)

God is referring to Himself when He says, "let us"-- a clear allusion to the Trinity. Three in one. But there is also an allusion to the union intended for humans. Taken together, the male and female form a union that in a very unique way reveals God's nature. Neither man or women alone truly show God's image, but taken together they do.

Gen 2:21-25
21
So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh.
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Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
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The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man."
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For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
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The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (NIV)

Man was fashioned from the dust of the earth, woman was fashioned from man. It doesn't say specifically how the animals were fashioned. Man was hand-crafted in a unique way to be made in God's image, but this image is not fulfilled until the woman is created and presented to the man. Certainly we can conclude that one of the primary goals of marriage is oneness- "and they will become one flesh".

Jesus reiterated this very idea when asked about divorce in Matthew.

Matt 19:3-5
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Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"
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"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,'
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and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? (NIV)

In answering this question about divorce Christ takes it back to the original design of marriage- and oneness. As the marriage ceremony often reminds us, "Those whom God hath joined together let no man put asunder."

So what does this oneness look like and how do married couples work to experience it? Those are good questions and frankly beyond my capacity to answer. It may look differently for different couples. But there is one strong starting place for each man and woman as they work on their marriage.

Realize that God has already made you one. This was Christ's answer to the question of divorce. It's not so much a matter of striving to be one, but learning to experience the oneness you already have in Christ. Getting beyond the pettiness and ridiculous minutiae and focusing on God's grand design for you and your wife. Valuing and appreciating one another and respecting each other especially in your differences. Not being competitive or defensive when one is stronger or weaker in some area, but embracing and completing each other as one.

Maybe some day people will have trouble knowing where you end and your spouse begins, like this cute couple...